by shivaleep

‘notice, see, note, perceive, discern, detect, spot’

There are voices in my head. So many.

You ask me what I’m thinking, my opinion, how that made me feel, how my day was, and I want to tell you, I want to be honest – but I’m confused.

I don’t know which voice to listen to, which one is the truth?

There are voices based on past experiences, insecurities, preconceptions, deep attachment to the roles I play. Other voices based on something deeper, voices from the soul. But how do I discern?

Awareness has blessed (and sometimes it feels like cursed) me with the ability to observe and hear more voices.

Instead of only hearing the loudest, most rehearsed voices, I can sense the softer ones as well. I pause to hear what they are all saying.

The loud one is telling me to express how angry I am. The softer one murmurs something about this anger not being a story worth telling. ‘Let it go’, it whispers, ‘that story is old, that line of thinking is played out‘. ‘Let it go’ it says more loudly because it senses that it has my attention.

This new voice draws me, I’m pulled towards it but I also feel stuck.

I’m scared. While the new line of thinking feels right, I don’t know how to act. What is the appropriate behaviour with this thought?

I pause some more.

I feel fear.

I will be acting in ways people are not used to. What if they laugh at me? What if I’m humiliated? What if they think less of me? reject me?

But if I go back to my old ways, the old story, the same old behaviour, then this fresh voice may disappear, and along with it the seed of living according to my values, aligned to truth, growth, and love.

I am still and silent. I feel like this is awkward and uncomfortable for those around me.

But I must continue to wait and notice. It’s all becoming an experiment. I feel innovative, creative, I feel a birthing.

But after some more stillness, fear wins…this time. I act in the old way, attached to a rehearsed identity. It’s comfortable, safe, known.  I won’t lose anything. But what will I gain?

The experiment continues, the new voice does not disappear and courage grows to try it fresh next time.

The voice of your truth. Practice listening and it will practice speaking until it gets so loud that courage is no longer required to act accordingly.