Breathe & Keep Up

‘a false statement; an untruth; a falsehood’

You lied.

I could feel it before it happened. It wasn’t spoken yet but it’s birth was palpable.

I could have just ignored it, let it go. I could have never asked the question, but I did.

I asked nervously, the answer held power over me.

You spoke. I listened, I believed.

At first I was relieved.  You said what I wanted to hear.

I felt safe, status quo.

But the doubt slowly crept in. You weren’t being honest. Something was being covered up, swept under the rug.

I wanted to challenge it, question it, get to the bottom of it.

But I was also scared. What would I find? Could I handle it? Did I have the courage? Should I wait awhile? Until I’m more ready?

I probed, you responded, and there it was between us, the lie.

The lie keeps our lives soft, it doesn’t require, propel, force change, the lie keeps things running smoothly.

Except…there is that lingering feeling….that nagging sensation that the truth needs, wants, aches to come out, to be set free, to be put into motion.

You lied.

You lied and it forced me to see that we were both living in fear. Fear of looking at the tough stuff.

You lied and I faced the fact that we all lie. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes in ignorance.

I wanted to blame you. I caught you and I wanted you to feel so bad for being dishonest.

In my narrow vision all that mattered was what you did.

The entire picture became about you and your dishonesty. I painted a forever judgment, picture, story.  I didn’t want to see my part in it.

I was the victim and you the one that made me suffer.

But then there it was again. The mirror.

The finger that pointed at you got turned around at me.

I was left looking into my own eyes and for a moment there was immense clarity and humility.

The lie changed everything.

I made a commitment to truth. I wanted to see all the ways I lie to myself. I wanted to explore and unravel each one.

I know it’s a life long journey. I know we can hide from the truth in a multitude of ways.

I know it can be scary to face the truth and speak it.

Sometimes the words pour out smoothly and it all goes magnificently.

Other times, the words fall out messily, they leave stains, and we have to spend some frustrated time cleaning up.

But in the end, I feel more aligned, I feel lighter.

I end up not just telling the truth, but living it, and there are no words to express that freedom.

So you lied, and I lied.

Big ones, life changing lies, and also small ones, seemingly insignificant lies. Each holding an opportunity, a purpose, a gift.

I lie. We lie.

Let’s stop hiding behind them and instead move towards them, sometimes deep, deep down underneath them, where the truth is waiting patiently for us.