‘separate into pieces as a result of a blow, shock or strain’
Sometimes I feel like even a gentle breeze could knock me over.
Every now and again I feel like simply catching someone’s eye could make me burst into tears.
There exist moments where everything stings, everything burns, everything hurts.
I once felt shame when such sensitivity took over my body. I fought ferociously against the giant wave that felt relentless in trying to bring me down.
I would plant my feet stronger to fight the force.
I would avoid eye contact and steady my gaze on anything that couldn’t look back.
These tactics served a purpose – I appeared outwardly tough, confident, unbreakable, unfazed, strong.
But inwardly, I felt tension from resisting what I was feeling.
Inside, I felt stuck from not releasing what was struggling to come out.
Deep down I felt angry at the people that made me feel imbalanced, I felt critical against myself for letting other people affect me like this.
Then there came a time when the force was too strong. I couldn’t find the ground under my feet, I couldn’t steady my gaze, there was no holding firm.
So I broke.
My shoulders hunched, my legs curled in, my arms wrapped around me, my head fell towards anything that would catch me and I cried. I didn’t resist, I let go, I released until there was nothing left. I felt a complete emptying. And for the first time in my life, I paused here. I held still.
In this holding I became acutely aware of pain and suffering, my own and that of others. I felt so sensitive to the sensations in my body, to each breath, time slowed and thoughts faded into nothingness. I felt sadness and joy at once. I felt naked, raw, connected to everything and attached to nothing.
I felt empty.
It was in this place of hollow vacancy that everything became available. I knew that I had emptied the old, stagnant, stuck energy, so that the new, fresh, vibrant energy would have room to make roots. So here I moved slowly and purposefully to hand pick what would fill the space, focusing on seeds of love, healing, compassion and expansion.
Now I try to listen to my body and when the wave feels like it’s about to take over, I don’t fight it – I surrender. Sometimes I’m by myself and sometimes with trusted loved ones.
It’s not always easy – I am constantly challenged by my long standing definitions and beliefs around strength, weakness, reputation and what it really means to be vulnerable. I had grown so accustomed to denying, ignoring, pushing away the ‘negative’ emotions of sadness, anger, loneliness while welcoming and placing a pedestal underneath the ‘positive’ emotions of happiness and joy. Over time, I realized that in denying certain emotions, I was denying parts of myself. I wasn’t accepting all of me, I wasn’t loving all of me – yet I expected others to accept and love me completely.
In surrendering to all of my emotions, I feel a sense of freedom and gratitude. I feel unbound by conditioned responses that were holding me back and I feel grateful to experience love and compassion towards myself and others – a connection to humanity that is indescribable.
So my dear friends, without judgment, without apologizing, break, purge, release, throw it out, get it out, LET GO.
Make space, be curious, and slowly, with purpose, plant the seeds that nurture, love, and heal.
Lots of love to you.
Beautiful writing Shivalee.